If you really want to make me frown, command me to
"smile!" All my life, ever since I was a small child with nothing
much on her mind and certainly no weight of the world, I've been told (mostly
by strangers, mostly by men) to "Smile!" Even when I am — sort of —
smiling. At least, on the inside. I cannot help the fact that my features, in
repose, seem pensive. It's the way my mouth is shaped, and how my eyes are.
After years and years of this command — "Smile!" —
I find it more and more vexing. For one thing, why do complete strangers
walking by feel as though they have the right to tell me what my expression
would be? What's so great about smiling, anyway? It's just one of many
expressions, maybe not even the best one. Sulks and pouts have been the model's
moneymaker for decades. Plus… don't you think, when you see someone walking
down the street, all by themselves and smiling, "I wonder what laughing
academy that one's escaped from?"
Don't get me wrong. I've got nothing against smiling. I do
it a lot (yes, even when I am alone). I have much to smile for, for sure. But
when I was a young child, I had crooked teeth and when my mom had to pay for
those Sears portraits or whatever, she'd say, "Don't show your
teeth." Then I wore braces and they were hideous metal grills that
reflected the sun brighter than Versailles at midday, so I resisted smiling out
of deference to the eyesight of others. After my teeth were straight, I still
didn't like my smile, because it wasn't the classic one with upturned corners…
even when I am smiling, people can't always tell.
Sometimes I remind myself of that classic episode of
"Cheers" when Lilith gets a modeling job and the photographer is snapping
her photo and calling out expressions for her, but each one is exactly the same.
Or this (not smiling is cool, right?)
What's more, not all smiles are genuine. Wouldn't you rather
see a person smiling because they really mean it, and it's not just plastered
on as a socially acceptable mask? I've noticed that most of the people
commanding me to "Smile!" aren't even smiling themselves.
If you are one of those people who feels compelled to shout
"Smile!" at others, think twice. Maybe the non-smiler just doesn't
have an upturned mouth. Maybe the non-smiler has crooked teeth. Or, maybe, just
maybe, that person is feeling neutral.
So last night I was talking to a friend of mine about dating
and I showed her a picture of a guy I see off and on, and she was like, "I
didn't know you swung that way!" Then I realized, "Oh, yeah: he's
black." I never really think of people in terms of ethnicity, or religion,
or social status, etc. I always regard the people whose company I keep in
direct relation to how they treat me, what's the content of their character,
and whether they are positive, open, and fun to be with.
I've dated younger guys, older guys, broke guys, rich guys,
blondes, Asians, exotic foreigners, and bland surfer dudes. Funny, only one
person ever pegged me as not having a "type" — and it just happened
to be on a blind date — this perceptive fella said, "I can see you with a
Wall Street broker one week, and a street musician the next." So true!
Another friend of mine, a fellow singleton, was telling me
about this book she was reading a few weeks ago, something about How To Find
Your Soul Mate. And one of the things in the book was on the importance of
making a very specific list of what you want in a man. And, what you don't
want. She said, something like, "100 things, and specific, like Boxers vs
Briefs." Mind: blown. I can't think of 100 rigid, specific things I want,
to the exclusion of others. There are lots of things I want, and some I don't
want, but there are few deal-breakers.
That's why I could never, ever fill out a quiz like this… I
want to tic of *ALL* the boxes. (Or at least add an "All of the
Above" option.)
So, sure… my ideal man has the wit & wisdom of Oscar
Wilde. The philosophical nature of Bob Dylan. The artistic style of Jean Luc
Godard. The sexual & romantic prowess of Richard Burton. The
entrepreneurial flair of Richard Branson. The curiosity of Michio Kaku. The
humor of Johnny Carson. The fashion sense of David Bowie. The autonomy of Jack
Kerouac. The musical talent of Jack White. The grace & charm of Errol
Flynn. But… I am open to negotiation!
I wonder if having a "type" isn't more of a male
thing? I used to think I just liked blondes, because my first serious boyfriend
was blonde, and I always loved Brad Pitt, Robert Plant, and so forth… but I
never wound up actually dating many of them. (Blondes, I mean. Because I totally went out with Brad Pitt and Robert Plant.)
I like good looks as much as anyone, and I've dated some
drop-dead gorgeous men, but prettiness ain't a prerequisite: as long as a guy
can rock the ugly with style and panache, I'm down. But when I was talking to
another friend of mine — a guy — about this, he said men aren't nearly as
willing to overlook less-than acceptable physical traits. Is this true? Do you
agree?
Her style is new but the face is the same as it was so long ago,
But from her eyes, a different smile like that of one who knows.
-- Led Zeppelin, Heartbreaker
I realize it's superficial, but I'm a visual person and I'm
always curious to know if the changes I've been through from year to year,
month to month, day to day, really show. I feel them, I think I see them in the
mirror, but is it just my own inner projection?
Can you see how sad I was in May? It's the reason I
dyed my hair blonde in July, 'cause that's what girls do to cheer up. Can you
tell how happy I was in August, or that I turned another year older then? That
I rocked an incredible professional accomplishment in November? Yeah, I guess you
could say I'm superficial... but never shallow!
I am a deeply superficial person.
-- Andy Warhol
2012 has not been as tumultuous as 2011, not as passionate
or exciting, but it's been joyous and liberating all the same. It's been a year
to pause and reflect, recharge and bear down to unleash some amazing artistic
endeavors I will pursue in 2013 (what was that you said, King Pacal Voltan? Oh,
yeah… well… let's just say I hope to pursue these amazing artistic endeavors
should there be a 2013).
I've had my share of romantic ups 'n downs this year. Been
rocked 'n rolled. But I'd rather have a broken heart than an unbreakable heart. (Listen to Eric Clapton's "I've Got A Rock 'n Roll Heart")
While my heart's been battered, my soul has been nourished --
I've enjoyed the most gratifying artistic accomplishments of my life, as well
as seen so many stunning gallery and museum exhibits, enjoyed existential
films, attended many live shows (theater, and concert), discovered some bands I
absolutely adore, and read some really fantastic books.
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
-- Lao Tzu
Speaking of books, rights reverted back to me on 4 of my
previously-published paperbacks, so I decided to update them and DIY it, e-
style.
Ghost Writer, my demonic dark comedy novel, is out now for
$2.99 and my nonfiction reference tome on cinematic critters, Guide to Animal
Movies, is downloadable for $3.99. Dark Lullaby (novel) and 50 Years of Ghost
Movies (nonfiction) will soon follow. (click here to learn more)
Also (so cheap, it's free!) here's the short film I
directed, The Night Plays Tricks, as well as the rock video I did for my dad's
band, The Ventures. The Ventures are Rock & Roll Fame of Fame inductees and
are on their 50th Anniversary tour of Japan. I made the video to celebrate that
milestone. (And lo and behold, this rock video has indirectly led to two more
I'll be directing in early 2013.)
Opportunities are not lost. They are just taken by others.
-- Jane Bozarth
In October, my 10-year run writing and reporting for the
fantastic Horror.com came to an end. I'd been given plenty of notice but it was
still sad to know it would be over. I am so grateful for all the fantastic
friends I made, the wonderful connections, grand travels, and unforgettable
films I saw in the course of my work there. But, as one door closes, a window
opens. I look at the loss as a gain, to try new things!
I'd decided I would take a break for the rest of the year,
and just focus on my screenplays and some short stories I want to write. But of
course, industrious me and freelance work are never apart for long.
Without looking, asking or seeking, here's what I picked up
in November & December:
I directed a 9-part video
series for Brooke Lewis called Be You, and Be Fearless
Yahoo! Movies & TV
doubled my "Fashion in Film" Beat
Fangoria granted me
several writing assignments, including merchandise reviews
I got a job ghost writing
a blog for a super-cool, edgy and funny home-improvement guru
I was filmed as a horror
'expert' for two upcoming Blu-ray featurettes
I got a call-back for a
reality tv show I auditioned for on a lark
For myself, I chose to:
Release my books on
Kindle, Nook, Palm, etc. and worked with a great graphic designer on
all-new covers
Entered The Ventures
Beethoven 5-0 video as a short film for The San Diego Surf Film Festival and got in
Open two stores on Etsy:
One for my vintage clothing, and one for my horse-related antiques
That's just November and December…
Had a wonderful birthday in August, as always. Birthdays
(mine, and my friends') and Halloween are my favorite holidays, by far.
Tuesday's Child is
full of grace.
-- Traditional
Nursery Rhyme
Sometimes I like a low-key birthday… not this year! I hosted
a three day pub-crawl party with four of my fellow "Virgo Vixens" --
we hit The Abbey in WeHo on the first night, then Jace hosted a house party in
Laurel Canyon, and lastly we took it all off at Jumbo's Clown Room in
Hollywood. (Actually, I did the low-key thing too: on my actual birthday, I
went sight-seeing all by myself. It was beautiful.)
Halloween was incredible, too: Many costumes, several
parties. Lots of fun, and definitely my favorite season. Not sure
what it will be like moving forward, without Horror.com to write for (Sept/Oct
was always my "busy" time!). Since then I've been posting some of my film reviews on
my LiveJournal.
This would be the War & Peace of blogs if I went through
each and every month, but as usual, I went to SD Comic-Con and covered it as a
reporter, I traveled all over the country to film sets to conduct interviews,
spoke on panels for Women in Horror, co-hosted my show Inside Horror (we wrapped season 3, and are now on hiatus), etc. Never a dull moment.
Even though I have enjoyed many, many artistic and
professional accomplishments in my life -- 2012 being no exception -- money
doesn't drive me and I am able to make time for friends. Personal
connections have always been the way I've not only found work, but where I've
found my greatest contentment.
I can't possibly name everyone, but I am pleased to have met
so many wonderful new people and broadened my social circle so considerably.
Longtime friends have remained, and are as treasured as ever. Thanks to wonders
of social networking I've happily connected with a few friends from the past,
two or three of whom I haven't spoken to in over a decade. What's more, I got
to see my family a number of times this year: I traveled to Seattle twice, and
they came here to L.A.
This photo pretty much sums up the joyous, socially spirited
times I've enjoyed in 2012. Snap was taken at the Dresden Room, an Old
Hollywood landmark I've long known about, but had never been to.
It is better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven.
-- John Milton
2012 was a year-long odyssey of exploration. I was born in
L.A., and I have never not lived in California. Yet, there are so many
historical sites I never got around to. Not so, anymore. I went to the Marilyn
Monroe Exhibit at the art deco Max Factor Building (which I've driven by 10,000
times, but never entered), I went hiking up in Griffith Park, I checked out the
Chateau Marmot, and I spent two days exploring Old Pasadena all by myself (as
much as I love my friends and spend time in their company, this has also been a
fantastic year of solitude and contemplation.)
I began a side-business house- and pet-sitting a little bit
last year, but it took off recently. Pay ranges from nil to "nice!",
but as I said: it's never about the cash for me. It's about enjoying what I do
and just having enough to pay my bills. Since I no longer have pets of my
own, it's a real joy to care for cats, dogs, and even horses on occasion. (If
you know anyone who needs a pet-sitter in 2013 and beyond, send'em my way!)
The end of the year always brings updates from those I've
been missing -- not the least of which are pets I loved, and parted with.
Chocolate is a rescue cat, and Faxi is an Icelandic pony I bought, enjoyed for
years, and then sold. Every year, a smile's been brought to my face when I hear
the latest.
Sadly, in the latest update, I learned Faxi (who was foaled in summer '78), passed away on the evening of
December 13. But still, I smiled… remembering our adventures together on the
beaches and riding trails of Rancho Palos Verdes. I smiled, knowing how loved
and treasured he was by his next 'mom' who showered him with affection and
spoiled him even more rotten than he already was.
Chocolate the cat is still
alive, though he's slowing down. Here's the letter I got from Kathy, "Hi Staci, writing to give you the annual Christmas update on our
dear Chocolate (Snowy.) He's an old guy now, but still funny and loving as
ever. The attached photo is from today; I was in the process of setting up the
messy, live Christmas tree and of course he came to check it out. He still gets
two insulin shots daily and he's living well with diabetes now. He's put on
weight over the past year, which is a great sign for an older kitty. He had to
have a couple of teeth extracted during the summer, but having fewer teeth
doesn't interfere with his appetite! When I took him to the vet a few days ago
for a check-up, a blood test showed that he's got declining kidney function.
Sadly, it means that his days are numbered. We will treasure every remaining
moment that we have with him. We've had so many great years with this guy; we
cannot begin to tell you how grateful we will be to you forever for bringing
him into our lives."
I'm not saying 2012 has been all wine and roses, not by a
long shot. Lots of big, big losses (a great love, steady job gone, had my share
of downs). However, now that I am a completely autonomous person and free of
emotional suppression, my true and innate optimism is allowed to shine and
flourish. I choose to shed the pessimists and I decide with whom I spend my
personal and professional time. I don't look back with regret. I look back with
appreciation for the wisdom and character I've developed from those so-called
negative experiences. From the amazing gifts those connections gave me. For
that, I am most grateful and I only hope I can be worthy of such heart-stirring
blessings as 2012 flows into 2013.
Unless…
Faves of 2012 (some new; some newly discovered)
2046 (movie)
A Kubrick Odyssey (LACMA art exhibit)
A Single Man (movie)
Amour (movie)
Anti-Viral (movie)
Best of The Smiths (album)
Blunderbuss (Jack White album)
Boardwalk Empire (season 3)
Bowie 2001: Kubrick-Inspired Remix (music)
Breaking Bad (all seasons on DVD)
Café de Flore (movie)
California Deco Style & Design: 1935-1965 (LACMA
exhibit)
Central Park 5 (documentary)
Chocolate wine
Conversation Piece (movie)
E.A.T. Café
Femme Fetale Group Show (Cella Gallery)
Fire: Walk With Me (David Lynch art exhibit)
Fraulein (photography book by Ellen Von Unwerth)
God Is Not Great (book by Christopher Hitchens)
Gone Girl (book by Gillian Flynn)
Hanni El Khatib (music)
Headhunters (movie)
Jack White (in concert)
Jekyll & Hyde (musical theater)
Jumbo's Clown Room (hangout)
Jumpcut Café (hangout)
Killer Joe (movie)
Kitten (in concert)
Necromance (store)
Pacé Restaurant
People Who Eat Darkness (book by Richard Lloyd Parry)
The Last Nude (book by Ellis Avery)
Design For Living (movie)
